Updated: May 16, 2020
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."- Joseph Campbell
In the past, I thought that this blog should be factual articles that I write in order to help the people who come here looking for help or answers. My mission with this blog is, in fact, to do just that: help anyone and everyone in any way that I can. They say that when you are creating something, it should be the thing you can't seem to find anywhere else. For instance, if you can't seem to find a product that is just right for you, create that! Can you provide a service that no one else seems to be providing that you find value in? Create that! You are probably solving a problem for someone else as well. I have decided to take a different approach to this blog: I am going to take the things that I face, the things that are challenging for me, my day to day struggles, even just my silly mindset, and I am going to write about those things here, hoping that maybe I can be helpful, supportive, empathetic, and maybe give you some comfort knowing that you are not alone in this.
Ok here it goes. I am guilty of allowing unhealthy people in my life. After years of being unaware of this, and then after getting sober, over analyzing it, there could be a lot of reasons for this (maybe this rings true for you now, or in the past). These reasons consist of: I think I might be able to help them; I had low self esteem and didn't think I deserved better; they are more fun and adventurous; I didn't know how to set boundaries; they dont see my behavior and habits as bad because their behavior and habits are just as bad, etc. The real problem was: I was using these people as an excuse to stay down there where it was safe, a place I understood well, because I had been down there for a while. They say that your relationships are a direct reflection of yourself. I didn't think much of myself. I had a drinking problem. I didn't take risks. I ruined things because I didn't want to find out if I would fail or succeed. I didn't set boundaries. It was like this in all areas of my life. I always wondered: why aren't things getting any better? Why are my family relationships suffering? Why is it that every job I work do I feel miserable and unappreciated? Why am I always doubting myself, and looking for external validation? Why does every relationship I am in always include so much drama and then end terribly, leaving me more wounded than when I went into it? Why wouldn't anyone love me the way I loved them? Why did I feel so gosh darn alone all of the time?
I wouldn't get out of my own way. I was holding on to thoughts, stories, ideas about myself, that I had been telling myself for so long. I was angry. I was hurt. I was afraid. If I let go of my friends, I will be alone. But I was already alone. If I work on my family relationships, and start setting boundaries, I might ruin my relationships. But I was already doing that. If I decided not to take jobs that didn't align with what I stood for and felt passionate about, I would be broke and miserable. But I was already broke and miserable. If I stop letting toxic men into my life, I'll be alone. But I was already alone. The consequences of staying, of allowing these things to continue, far outweighed any dumb reason I could think of to stay. The only thing keeping me there: FEAR. Fear of the UNKNOWN. Fear of believing I might fail or succeed. Fear of finally being alone with myself. Not to sound sappy or anything, but for the first time in my life, I decided to have COURAGE, and finally SHOW UP FOR MYSELF.
“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”- Pema Chödrön
Here is a little bit about what happened after I started showing up for myself.
I knew that I felt my best when I was doing something that helped people, where I was in direct contact with them. I knew I loved food, and nutrition, and psychology. I applied for a Business Development job for a Health Coaching and Weight Management company, and I got the job. After learning a lot in that area and realizing my super power (connecting with almost anyone!), I moved on to becoming certified as a Health Coach and coaching my lovely members (up until Covid-19 hit). I had been wanting for a while to get my Intregrative Health Coach Certification, but the idea of paying for that every month freaked me out. But guess what? I am currently working on getting my Institute of Integrative Nutrition Health Coaching Certification, and plan on opening my own Health Coaching business (it will be called New Moon Wellbeing also) in the near future. I took that risk. I invested in myself. I know this is my Purpose, my calling, what I am best at, and what feels the best when I am doing it.
I started working on my relationships with my family: reaching out more, having hard conversations, being a better listener, being more vulnerable, and setting boundaries. I know I still have a lot of work to do, a lot of trust to earn, but it is worth it. I love them so much.
I have very few friends, as I disengaged with all of the friendships that were toxic. I wish all of those people the best, those friendships were not serving me any more. The friends that I do have now are lovely, positive, caring, genuine, big hearted people, and I am grateful to have them in my life. I want to surround myself with people who are "high vibe", who care about themselves, who take risks, who have the same values as I do. I am also open to new friendships, trying my best to take risks and step out of my comfort zone when it comes to starting new ones. Being an adult is kind of hard that way.
I am rewriting all the stories and beliefs I had been telling myself all my life. Things like: You dont deserve to be happy, you aren't smart enough, you're a terrible writer, you could never own a business, you aren't talented, you aren't an artist, no one will ever care about you, you will never be enough.....It required diving deep into where those came from, and confronting them head on.
I say "no" more. I don't allow myself to take on too much, knowing I'll be resentful later. I am honest and more vulnerable; I speak more truths; I apologize when I am not acting my best, and I take time to do the things that ground me and allow me to reset (yoga, journaling, being alone, reading, walking, etc). I don't allow other peoples' ideas of what life is supposed to be, how and who I am supposed to be, or what they think of my dreams to effect what I tell myself and work towards every day. I am setting boundaries and sticking to them. I am working on being a better listener, and really really listening. I listen to myself more, paying attention to the ways my body responds physically to behaviours and emotions, and I listen to what my heart tells me. I practice gratitute daily, and pay attention and listen to what the Universe is saying to me and sending my way. I am learning to love myself more and more every day, because I am right where I am supposed to be, and I am wonderful just the way I am. I am going to therapy, which is helping so much. I am taking care of plants, which feels so wonderful (no one has died yet).
It took me forever to get here. 31 years. Almost 32. But I am so grateful. It feels so good to be able to do something scary like starting over, and I didnt die. But oddly, the opposite. Almost like I have been reborn.
I wonder if you have gone through something like this? If so, please feel free to send me an email @ email@example.com. I would love to connect with you and hear all about your journey. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.