What is this?

Hello there. Hannah here. Maybe that is obvious. I am writing this from my living room/dining room/kitchen (it's all one room really) in Austin, Texas and it's raining here, which perfectly suits my mood.

I had a hard day yesterday, and today I am feeling the emotional/mental hangover from that. I decided it was something I wanted to talk about. I am sure you have heard or read me saying that I get stuck a lot. Maybe twice a month. 2020 was the year, I believe anyway, that I grew the most. I had the most growing pains in 2020. This is now overflowing into 2021. I am not mad about it, obviously. I love growing. Sure, it is quite painful when it is happening, but usually SO worth it.

If you don’t know me, you should know that I am a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), a Cancer/Gemini cusp, and I would say relatively empathic. Obviously (or not), there are a lot of pros to being a HSP/Cancer/Gemini/empath, but there are also a lot of cons. I am a worry wart, an overthinker, a people pleaser, a ruminator, overly emotional, etc. I get in my own way a lot of the time. I absorb other people's energies. I avoid my own problems and needs and focus on others instead. I avoid confrontation like the plague. I am very critical of myself. I am a masochist. I am a self sabotager. I very often feel misunderstood. I realize that I have an anxious attachment style which leads me to be a bit codependent. I seek my own value from others. It is really hard for me to relax, to quiet my mind, to not feel guilty for relaxing, to not have something to check off a list, etc.

Let me change direction here for a second. All of these things, including my sobriety, that I struggle with lead me to mindfulness and meditation. I have really been getting into it. Most of the time, my mind feels really good and I understand the concepts. But sometimes, when I am depleted, I accidently dig a pretty deep hole of “what is this? What is the meaning of all of this? If everything is impermanent, do I matter?...”etc. The idea that nothing is permanent, that tomorrow isn't guaranteed, that the idea of ourselves is even constantly changing, that we should remain present, that our thoughts aren’t us, etc. is usually really inspiring and pretty freeing if you think about it. But, being highly sensitive, this can be a really heavy idea to hold, to understand, to carry.

I have this overwhelming need/drive/passion for doing something important. When I say doing something important, I mean helping. Serving. Leaving this place better than when I found it. I have very high expectations of myself, which is great, but usually is a problem because, kind of like having huge, vague goals, I become so overwhelmed by the idea that I don't even know where to start. Also, because of this huge goal or need, I make myself feel unimportant. I talk down to myself. Like, “I am too small and weak to make a difference”. Stuff like that. Someone like me could never make a difference. Who am I to think that I could make a difference?

Then, I do this thing in my head where I recognize that I am different than other people. But then I criticize myself for that, and tell myself, you just think you're different. You just want to be special, but you aren't. You are using this as an excuse. I think this might have something to do with conditioning. Conditioning to make me feel that the person I am is too sensitive, weird, emotional, etc. So much so that I have started criticizing MYSELF. I think almost in a way that feels like, well if I criticize myself first, then maybe it won't hurt as much when someone else does it. Like I beat them to the punch.

I know, I know. I am all over the place. Get over it. That is just how I am. That is how my mind works. I am not sorry about it. Sometimes I think that I am usually understood by people who think like I do. I hop from one thing to another, but if you pay attention, you can usually connect the dots.

I have been feeling really resentful recently too. I feel resentful because I do my best to support others. But, I often don’t feel very supported. It hurts. Then, I start to think that maybe I am spending too much energy on the wrong people. Then, I worry if I stop spending that energy on them, they will abandon me. In my mind, I know better. I know that if they abandon me, then it was never a mutual relationship. But this other side of me just longs so much to not be so alone. I am also really bad about asking for what I need for two reasons. 1) I don't want to find out that someone doesn't really care about me and my needs. 2) I don't want to be seen as needy because I have been told I am needy before. I know, that seems nuts. I am extremely reflective and know that all of what I have shared with you are things I want and need to work on.

I have mentioned that I tend to fast track intimacy. This is one of the reasons I am so open and honest and vulnerable when it comes to sharing about myself and my life. True, I do long to be close with others. But I am also scared of letting others get too close to me. Another reason why I am so open and honest and vulnerable is because I want to be as authentic as i possibly can be. I can be proud of that. I can know that every day I show up as myself, whether other people like her or not. I also hope that by doing that, that maybe someone else feels seen, that this resonates with others, and that other people feel safe in sharing themselves too. I just want to connect. I just want to HELP, even if it means just listening and validating others.

I digress. The reason I am writing this is because it helps me to understand myself, but I also thought if I shared, that maybe if you are feeling the same way, it might help you to understand yourself as well.

I am just so tired of clinging to things I know are impermanent. I am tired of resisting what is. I am tired of continually judging myself and never just accepting myself for who i am at this moment. I am tired of doing things I dislike in hopes that something I will like will appear in the future. I am tired of believing that I have to earn love. I am tired of never embracing and enjoying the present moments and always looking toward the future. I am tired of trying to fit myself into some box, when I am fluid and constantly changing just like everything else.

I know what to do, it’s just the doing that's hard. Or rather, not doing. The undoing. But it is what I have committed to doing (or undoing). I have to let go, no matter how scary that is. No matter how uncomfortable that feels. I am going to have faith. Faith that this will free me from these invisible shackles. I am going to listen to myself more deeply. I am going to set aside time to just be with myself. I think that part of my go go go mentality, this constant need to be productive is just a way of avoiding myself. Of avoiding the present moment. Of giving in. Because like I mentioned before, that can be really uncomfortable. This is it. This is the only life we have. This is technically the only moment we have right now.

If any of this resonates with you I hope you are able to feel at peace, and be with this moment.

I am going to leave you with a quote by Alan Watts, from the Wisdom of Insecurity (which I highly suggest reading):

“Tomorrow and plans for tomorrow can have no significance at all unless you are in full contact with the reality of the present, since it is in the present and only in the present that you live. There is no other reality than present reality, so that, even if one were to live for endless ages, to live for the future would be to miss the point everlastingly.”

Love you, and please take care of yourself,

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